oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
