She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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