you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
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What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize