I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
