Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
