Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
