One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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