This is not my ceiling
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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