My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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