you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
