Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
