He passed out mid-signature
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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