I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
