I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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