I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Semen is not good for contacts.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
