in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
