found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
