So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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