Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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