She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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