i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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