i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
