My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dear god my vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
