Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
