At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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