So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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