why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
