evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
even my farts smell like vagina
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
