i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.