I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
