I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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