I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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