we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
