Umm I'm too high to move.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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