This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
