how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
