I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
