Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
