i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
