Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
