Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
