Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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