my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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