i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
