I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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