the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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