so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
