Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
