I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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