I'm going to jail i love you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
