but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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