you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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