he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
