I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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