I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
