i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
