My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
