he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
