I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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