in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
