i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
