I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
