Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
