Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
