I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
